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Stonecutters Guild
Stonecutters Guild

Who controls the Springfield events scene? WE DO! WE DO!

An ancient and totally-not-secret society bringing exclusive entertainment to our members and the occasional worthy guest. We've kept the metric system down, made Steve Guttenberg a star, and rigged every Oscar night since 1957.

"Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? WE DO! WE DO!"

🔮 What We Control

  • 🎭 Exclusive Events - For members and Number 908 (Homer... unfortunately)
  • 🎵 Sacred Concerts - Songs in the key of mystery
  • 🥳 Private Parties - Robes optional, parchment required
  • 🏆 Award Ceremonies - We decide who wins everything

📜 Sacred Parchment required at door. No Chosen Ones allowed (we learned our lesson).

Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? WE DO! WE DO!

The Aztec Theater
The Aztec Theater

Art deco elegance meets questionable carpet stains since 1927.

From golden age Hollywood premieres to modern blockbusters about radioactive monsters, we've been entertaining Springfield for generations. Our velvet curtains have witnessed first dates, last dates, and Homer falling asleep in every genre.

"You call this a bicep? This is a bicep!" - McBain (shown exclusively here)

🎥 Now Showing

  • 🦸 McBain Films - ICE TO MEET YOU
  • 🦹 Radioactive Man - Up and atom!
  • 🎭 Troy McClure Classics - "The President's Neck is Missing!"
  • 👻 Treehouse of Horror - Marathon screenings every October

🍿 The popcorn is fresh. The carpet is... experienced. The seats have memories they'll never tell.

"Ooh! A Gary Larson calendar!"

Art deco elegance meets questionable carpet stains since 1927.

From golden age Hollywood premieres to modern blockbusters about radioactive monsters, we've been entertaining Springfield for generations. Our velvet curtains have witnessed first dates, last dates, and Homer falling asleep in every genre.

"You call this a bicep? This is a bicep!" - McBain (shown exclusively here)

🎥 Now Showing

  • 🦸 McBain Films - ICE TO MEET YOU
  • 🦹 Radioactive Man - Up and atom!
  • 🎭 Troy McClure Classics - "The President's Neck is Missing!"
  • 👻 Treehouse of Horror - Marathon screenings every October

🍿 The popcorn is fresh. The carpet is... experienced. The seats have memories they'll never tell.

"Ooh! A Gary Larson calendar!"

Events

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"A Burns for All Seasons" Documentary

Oct 27
EDT Weekly · Tuesday
More dates Tue, Nov 3 Tue, Nov 10 Tue, Nov 17
From $15

About

😈 Excellent...

A cinematic journey through the life of Springfield's most "beloved" billionaire.

"I'd trade it all for a little more." - Charles Montgomery Burns

🎬 Documentary Highlights

  • 👶 Young Burns: The Early Years - "I was a baby, Smithers... a BABY!"
  • ☀️ The Sun-Blocking Machine Incident - Still his proudest moment
  • 🐕 "Release the Hounds" Supercut - 47 minutes of hound-releasing
  • 💕 Smithers Loyalty Montage - Set to romantic music
  • 💰 The Trillion Dollar Bill - That one time he had a trillion dollars

🎁 First 50 Attendees Receive

  • ✈️ Free Spruce Moose model ("Hop in!")
  • 📜 "Excellent" certificate signed by Burns
  • 🧸 Tiny Bobo replica (NOT the real one)

"Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun..."

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